Revert Entry : Beginning again is learning humility.

Surah Al-Mâ’idah — I suggest reading that Surah but also this holds the tone of Mother Lucille Clifton’s “Won’t You Celebrate With Me”

Image featured taken from Pinterest.

Beginning again at anything in life can seem hard, like you want full control over how to get to the goal and you can’t seem to figure out why. Is it really about control or is it about the plot? That’s what this journey of being a revert has felt like, and although it’s only been a few months, the best moments have been quiet and silent with Allah after making a du’a that I worried about. After a moment of extreme good. And yes even after realizations while trying on overgarments and crying. Taking time to read books, gain knowledge, sit in circles and gain companionship, that’s where the moments are that ground me. That keep me centered in this journey, and with humility.

But honestly, let’s be real beginning again at thirty-one has taught me a great deal about being humble. Between changing career spaces in education, graduate school and declaring shahada, a new woman emerged and I don’t even know if I fully see or know her yet — but she’s here. The shyness of just starting something new and the loudness of the world around you is indeed a lot to balance. Some days it feels like I’m doing awesome, and other days it feels like something will eventually get stuck in the wheel and I’ll be ripping’ and running’ trying to fix it. Trying to fix me. Anxiety aside (because the Qur’an and supplication are the best cures for the heart) — it’s been interesting in learning how to accept and love the parts of myself that existed before this love, to know that Allah SWT was always waiting for me.

In Philadelphia, while the community is vibrant it’s also filled with believers who were born into the faith and there’s this stigma that those that are chasing Allah are just chasing a moment, and for me that couldn’t be anything further from the truth. It took me a while (like lifetime it feels like) to realize that Allah SWT was even thinking of me, that he even wanted my heart and the fullness of it. So, now while it feels like I’m playing catch up it also kind of feels new and in the romantic way of just being myself and seeing what unfolds from the intimacy of that. From knowing myself and allowing Allah SWT to know me too.

There are so many layers to what brought me to him but I’m glad I’m here so others should be too, right? The shift in how I carry myself, how I light up when I speak about the Qur’an, and how I smile brightly when I am taking notes and reading shows me that the beginning again was to settle me, not to harm me. There’s this other geographical aspect because my family down south exists, and that part of my need for the soil is real. Some of them were just waiting on me, quietly making du’a and speaking my name in soft whispers that Allah would guide me. Others had questions that I answered in this post : Allah’s love is loud, even when you’re quiet, some wondered if I would be hot all the time (surprisingly no, the fabric is always cooling and for the sake of Allah SWT covering is my favorite act of worship) — and some even wondered if I would take down my writing and rearrange my life. Honoring humility in this season is knowing that Allah SWT is quietly working and allowing things to come together as provisioned, so he’s rearranging my life. It’s also knowing that the obligatory actions will lead to rewards in Jannah that are full, and why wouldn’t I want to do my best to receive that? What I want for myself, I want for others times a million, and that is where I honor the humility in beginning again. That’s where I honor me.

I’m also present enough to know that the questions people have and wondering will never stop, and that’s okay because a part of being humble is being willing to share and elaborate. Speaking your truth and sharing out does wonders for community and those who simply just might not understand and want to learn. I want people to be curious, to question, and to ask with an understanding heart instead of a judgmental one.

It is me that is choosing to begin again and allow myself the space to start over, learn more, and get closer to the God that wants to be close to me. My past sins and judgments against self continue to be erased as long as I pray, strengthen my relationship with him, and don’t go back to that way of seeing — and as Nina Simone said freedom allows us that tender in between space to really and truly feel.

Beginning again is learning humility and I am on training wheels just giving myself freedom to try,

so be gracious before you push and let go.

Because one day,

you’ll need to begin again too.

With love, jst.llw 🌹

Author’s Note : I know, I know I said no more writing until the new year but I felt this was important to share. I don’t think it’s fair to any version of self to delete old works and Allah SWT is forgiving, merciful, and all knowing. Knowing that who I was would lead me back to him in the rightful way. I do think that you all have to remember that I’m human and that I have seen many different versions of myself even up until now. What I do hope is that you take something away from this and if anything remember that the community I have built here is for honesty and for us. And no, every post won’t be a Revert Entry, I still have some stories to tell. 🥰